"I almost wish we were butterflies and lived but three summer days, three such days with you I could fill with more delight than fifty common years could ever contain"
"Write the softest words and kiss them that I may at least touch my lips where yours have been."
Bright Star (2009) directed by Jane Campion
Sylvia Plath, “A Mad Girl’s Love Song”
Helen Mirren, how are you so beautiful <3
Went to see The Hundred Foot Journey after work today with Celia. It was very, very good. Helen Mirren, French landscapes and Food porn - what more could you want from a movie?
Katniss Everdeen/Johanna Mason:
Love this! The Hunger Games is one of my newest favourite things. Katniss & Johanna would make an awesome pairing <3
I can’t believe a month has gone by and I haven’t written a single thing in my diary or blogged a word. And so much has happened.
Arriving back in New Zealand after my excursion over to the shiny Gold Coast, my plan was to look for a job, enjoy the last couple of weeks at Lance & Denise’s house and prepare to move into Celia’s in town when she got home. I thought it had begun well; I printed off a mountain of CVs and dropped a couple into shops in Chartwell, had a walk around town looking for vacancies and making a note of all the shops that were out there, then I visited each individual store’s website making notes of any availiabilites. As is always the case with job hunting, it was quite demotivating and after a few days I’ll admit I was getting less and less enthused, whilst at the same time other circumstances began to take over.
I think some things are best kept between the people they involve and I don’t really see a need to go into the ins and outs of what happened – I don’t think it’s relevant. What is relevant is what I took from a week, that quite honestly turned into utter hell. More than anything I took away some valuable life lessons and learnt more about myself. I have a light side that I and other people seem to love. During my ‘ups’ I’m often told I’m thoughtful, kind and funny. I also have a dark side that I and some other people find quite intriguing. In some ways I do love having a darker side - it’s a good balance, but when overwhelming sadness and/or self-destruction starts to kick in, that’s when things go wrong. Depression is a difficult thing for people to understand – I think it’s important that we talk about it, as it’s a serious illness (as was so tragically shown with Robin Williams just recently) – it does make you selfish and as a person who wants to inspire other people, it’s difficult to watch myself behave in that way. But it gets to a point where it feels just like that, like I’m watching myself, like my own control has gone. I never have any intention to make the people around me sad, stressed out, angry, hurt, upset etc but sadly this often seems to be the case. And what makes it worse is (as I blogged at the time) that I know I deserve people’s punishment, but I punish myself more than anyone else could, so for other people – who I care about – to add to it, it is genuinely unbearable. But someone stuck with me through it all, someone believed in me. And that gives me a belief in myself. There’s things that I have to work on – thought patterns, triggers and coping strategies for when my mood begins to dip. I know that and I’m determined to do it.
Once I got back on a level, the last two weeks have been incredible. My gift has returned and I’ve been floating through the days as happy as any person can possibly be. When positivity takes over me it just snowballs. I got an interview for a job, followed by two trial days, another interview – and then finally after two weeks I’ve been offered a position, which is absolutely brilliant news! We finished coaching the netball team and one of the mum’s swapped numbers with me so that I can go around and help her daughter with homework. That will be great as tutoring is something I love doing. I moved into Celia’s place and had a massive, massive clean as it’s been unlived in for 5 months… now that may not sound like fun, but I absolutely love housework and I really feel satisfied seeing the results of a hard days cleaning. And I’ve been super busy ticking more and more things off my Bucket List; learning new skills, getting creative, inventing, baking, random things – all good fun. So it’s been an absolute whirlwind of events and emotions, but everything’s coming together perfectly.
I am honest and I do open up to people and I do talk about things that I feel should be talked about. I know some people judge me for that and that’s completely their choice. If people who don’t know me judge me or talk about me I honestly don’t care because they’re nothing to me, their opinion carries no weight, and if you’ve got nothing better to do than to talk badly about other people then I actually feel sorry for you. That’s not sarcasm, I honestly do. If you are that kind of person, just stop and think, does talking badly about someone who’s fighting a mental illness really make you superior to them? Negativity spreads negativity, so turn it around and truly be the better person, by showing some empathy. But it is nice to earn respect back from people who you respect yourself. And the only way to do that is to respect who you are and to like yourself. I know there are aspects of my bipolar where I have to really work hard with coping mechanisms, but aside from the blips I have (and in fairness we all have them) I know that I have a good heart. I know my own intentions towards other people and towards the world and I do believe in myself. I also know that I can be pretty intense with regards to my relationships to people; I overthink things and can mistake people’s intentions (which I need to stop doing), and people can misinterpret my intentions. Communication is the key. But at the end of the day, this is who I am – I get really passionate about people and ideas and the world and I give them my all - and actually I think it’s better to give your all to something and not get back what you deserve, than to deny yourself the chance to follow your heart and just live. I have so many good people in my life. Some here. Some back in England, who continue to stand by me through the ups and the downs and that means a lot. That makes me feel good about myself, because if all of those awesome people choose to stay in my life, I must be doing something right.
I actually have quite an exciting project lined up that I’ll be setting up this year and working on next year. And that is a really positive thing, so hopefully it’ll do well, and hopefully it’ll inspire people and I will post more about it as it progresses.
As of right now I have a new job to look forward to, lots of projects that I’m working on and people who’s company I greatly enjoy so life is going great. And as I always seem to say when I’m on the other side of the storm. I am glad it happened, I think it was all meant to happen, because again it has given me the chance to grow.
Foggy: I’ll advise you not to talk like that to a trained soldier of the Royal Army Service Corp.
Compo: Ooh that was a right ladies regiment.
Foggy: God he stands there, fermented in his wellies, covered in all the glamour of an ex veteran of the chemical toilet platoon of the pioneer force.
Foggy: God, listen to him; he’s out of breath, his pulse is racing, there’s little beads of perspiration all over his epidermis.
Compo: Don’t be filthy.
Foggy: You don’t even know what your epidermis is, do you?
Compo: Epidermis… Epidermis… my granny used to have one of them I think - in a plant pot in the front window.
Foggy: An aspidistra.
Compo: Well it looked like an epidermis.
Foggy: I’m talking about your skin.
Compo: It were green and shiny.
Foggy: That’s right - your skin.
Compo: Watch it! I know when I’m being insulted.
Foggy: well you ought to shouldn’t you. Look at the practise you’ve had.
Dead poets society on We Heart It.